1/27/2011

I can't believe I am doing this...

THE 'BARING OF THE SOUL'
Most people that know me think of me as an open book. Especially my friends. Lol. But there are a few things I keep very private. One of them is my weight. I hate talking about it and dieting and 'goals' and all of that. It is not that I don't think about it every single day of my life. It is just that I don't want to be one of those people that talks about it incessantly but with no action.

Well - the time has come. And I mean it. Time has run out. I HAVE to loose weight. I have to become healthy and active for my family and for myself. I have been thinking about aging alot lately and honestly, it depresses the hell out of me. It is weird because I never understood how people feared getting old and aging until a couple of years ago. It REALLY hit me about 35. That was a tough birthday. And now 3 years later, it is only getting worse. Lol. I feel like my whole life is passing me by, and more so, like I have wasted it by missing activities and experiences because of my weight.

Now, with all that being said, I have also had alot of positive thoughts lately. About ways that I can stay 'young'. I know that sounds ridiculous, but I mean it. One thing that I have come to realize is that having young kids keeps me young. Especially pistols like mine. ;) And who knows. Maybe we will even have one or two more. I would love to have another baby, but one of the reasons that I don't is because of my weight. I was absolutely miserable with my last pregnancy and I have gained quite a bit of weight since then. So that is definitely one major motivation for me that I have not had in the past.

The other thing that I have thought about alot is kinda cliche, but it is absolutely true. And that is - life is what you make it. The future is an open book. The possibilities are endless... and all of that jazz. I know that I have it in me to change my life, and by doing that, the life of my family as well. I can participate in life with them. I can live long for them. And I can teach them important lessons like perseverance and having healthy habits.

THE 'POINT'
So, with all of that being said I come to my point. It is not a big revelation or anything. Just something small that I want to do to help me achieve my goal. I am going to start posting my weight loss on the sidebar of my blog. My cousin Mandy did it recently on her blog after having her darling baby Wilson. I thought it was so cool but didn't think much more of it until I was talking to my sister Mallory about dieting. She told me that she had read that they have recently proven that people who post their weight loss and/or gain online are 25% more successful. 25% is alot. If this is what it takes to give me that extra oomph then I will do it! I will take any extra oomph I can get! If bearing my soul about the thing I am most sensitive to and risking the possibility of my failure broadcasted to those who are closest to me shames me into sticking with it then I will take it. I mean business!

THE 'DIET'
I have dieted my whole life. The first I remember was around the time I was in the 4th grade when my parents put me on Weight Watchers. It was hell and traumatic and started the process of what would consume my life. My sister would tattle on me for sneaking a bite of something and then I would feel shame and the disappointment of others. It was followed by The Diet Center, grandma's tuna fish and green beans out of a can diet, Jenny Craig, Medifast (the early days when it was only chocolate & vanilla shakes and monthly blood tests through a doctor), Fen-Phen, more Weight Watchers, Redux, Adipex, Dr. T's diet & water pills, more Weight Watchers, Medifast again, Alli, and just plain ole waking up every morning of life thinking 'today is the day' and failing by noon. You get the idea. By the way, Fen-Phen was the biggest miracle on the planet. I wish it was still on the market. If I could find some way to get it illegally in some back alley from a guy in a trench coat I totally would. I wonder if they even make Fenfluramine anymore.

I am of the opinion that every diet out there works if you just do it. It is just a matter of finding what works for your lifestyle and for the amount of weight you have to loose. Since I have an enormous amount of weight to loose the only way I can wrap my head around it is to lose it rapidly, and the best way for me to do it is through Medifast. The first time I did it it worked great and I got down to the thinnest I have been. That was when I was in high school and I didn't have nearly the amount I have to lose now. The second time I tried it I was not successful. It was after I had Carson and I was struggling with the baby blues and it was definitely not the time to be doing a diet with super low calorie content. I think I was hormonally all out of whack and I got really depressed. Plus the 'food' was so gross I would gag just thinking about having to consume it.

That brings us to now... They have improved the diet a ton and it is now available online so you can order it and do it yourself. They also have Medifast Centers all over but it is WAY more expensive to do it that way. When I consulted them they told me that I could lose all my weight within 1 year. So that is my goal. I would tell you how much I have to loose but that would be way too embarrassing for me. Maybe later. ;) And I will FOR SURE not be posting my actual weight. I would be way mortified. For now let's just keep it a running tally of how much I lose a week. :) Notice how I said 'lose' a week?

The reason I finally broke down to write this post and actually put my weight loss online is because I started Medifast on January 3rd and had a great start! In the first 10 days I lost 22 pounds. ...Then I slowly started to fall off the wagon. I CAN'T do that. I WON'T! Now I am just mad that I have waisted the last 10 days. I could have doubled my weight loss by now and would be seeing results. So - back on track! It is on like donkey kong.

THE 'SIDE NOTE'
One more quick thing... I have always had a secret goal to become a runner - to fall in love with running and to run a marathon. I think because that would be the total manifestation of losing all the weight I set my mind to and changing my life. Coincidentally over time I saw my aunt and uncle, a couple of cousins, and 2 of my sisters become runners and run marathons. It made me even more excited.

Now lets not go crazy. Let's take one goal at a time. But... let's just say that the return of The Woodlands Marathon was announced recently and will be held on March 3, 2012. Hhmmmmmm...

13 comments:

Robert said...

It will be difficult but we can do it. I love you and am here to help in any way I can!

Hilarie said...

Aawwww... Thanks honey! :)

See -- all my biz out there for everyone to see is already working. You could not pay me to cheat right now!

Mandy Radman said...

Good Luck Hilarie!!! I loved your post and can honestly say blogging about weight loss motivated me more than anything else ever has! Yes, blogging and Yoga helped me reach my goal! I cant wait to see your progress!

Hilarie said...

Thanks Mandy! I owe it all to you. :) Just think - you could be responsible for me getting on the cover of People for their 'Half My Size' issue. Lol.
(Another one of my little secret goals.)

sherron said...

We'll be cheering you on and admiring you for your courage and determination! Sound's like 2011 is going to be YOUR year!

Megan said...

Nice Hil! Very cool. I am very excited for you! Posting it is a great way to be held accountable to your self. That is how I felt about the marathon anyway.... well, the first one. :) I am super excited to see your progress. I am very happy for you. I can honestly say that my 1/2 marathon and subsequent full marathon were the BEST things I have done (for myself) in my life. I had never ever created an actual huge goal before that took months and months of DAILY work to complete. It was HELLA hard but SO rewarding. As cheesy as it sounds, I made me 'believe' in my self and be so 'proud' of myself. I know you can do it! Good luck. You better believe when you sign up for the woodlands marathon I will be right there with you! If you want me to that is :) Nice work Hil.

tHe BrOwn FaMiLy said...

Good for you!! That's Awesome:)

mallory said...

I'm so excited for you! I can't wait to see your progress!

You are sooo brave for putting this out there. Way to go!!!!

grams said said...

So proud of you.I love you anyway you are, but I know you will be so pleased with yourself.
Nicki has been posting hers as well and she thinks it really works. She has lost 60 pounds.
Good luck, we will all be watching and cheering you on.

Kinsey Pistorius said...

loved reading your honest and open post about your struggle with weight. We all struggle with self-image to a certain extent but I had no idea yours started in the fourth grade. The therapist in me was wanting to help that little girl who was so traumatized back then. But as your friend now, I support you and will be reading about your progress with this major goal in your life. YOU CAN DO IT! and we all love you and care about you no matter what size you are and no matter how long it takes you to reach this milestone!

Shirlene said...

Hilarie--I admire you so much for this post. You can do it!!! I think it's easier to make smaller goals than looking at the overall picture. And then reward yourself after you reach that goal. I've always thought it'd be cool to run a marathon too! Good luck!

Hilarie said...

Thanks you guys for your encouraging words! I am so lucky to have such wonderful family and friends!

holly said...

Wow, Hilarie I am so impressed. Probably, your most amazing post. We all love you and know that you can do anything! We all have hard things that we think are bigger than us, but you expressed your thoughts beautifully! By the way, I am registering for the Woodlands marathon with a group of friends. Let me know if you want to register with us. You know matching t-shirts and all!! I have to say running the marathon was one of the greatest things I have ever done. It shows what one can really do with determination and a whole lot of WORK! ha ha Good luck and keep up the great work!!!